"You don't have ADHD"

Part Two

Tells self: Forget the fact that this Part Two is many months delayed and just get to it. 🫣

Then asks self: Should I recognize the hellscape that is our Big Brother era of America riddled with daily contradictions, lies, and injustices? My words feel so empty in comparison to this level of chaos. 😵‍💫

Tells self: I cannot fix everything, but we all can challenge injustices by sharing our experiences. One voice at a time. 🤔

Late Summer 2023: Hands sweaty, I submitted the request for an appointment with my general physician through my medical portal. A shaky sigh escaped my lips as I hit send, knowing that now it was time to move forward with all that I’d begun learning about myself over the last couple of weeks.

Picture of a woman’s hands holding her phone. Photo by Chris J. Davis on Unsplash

As described in my previous post, “I don’t have ADHD: Part One,” I’d learned about a variation of ADHD where one’s hyperactivity or inattentiveness may manifest differently from the young boy struggles I’d learned about as a kid.

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Check out this article which goes into more detail about how ADHD presents for different genders:

Women and ADHD: Why So Many Are Missed

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Although I was nervous to face these revelations out loud, I felt comforted by the fact that my GP was someone I sought out because of her reputation for paying attention to women’s mental health. We’d already done some tinkering with my anxiety medication to try to quell recent “unexplained” (aka likely ADHD) symptoms, so I trusted she would be open to hearing more about my concerns.

I received confirmation for my appointment request in the portal and as I waited the few weeks for the date to arrive, I gathered up all of my supporting documents.

• I listened to a few podcasts about how to prepare for an appointment like this.

• I jotted down lists of my key insights that I’d learned about myself over the last few months.

• I put a few notes in my phone as I rehearsed what I would say.

• Finally, I pulled out the tabbed and highlighted copy of A Feminist’s Guide to ADHD and tossed it into the passenger seat of my car. I knew I’d probably have trouble remembering all of the information I wanted to share and figured these emotional support tabs might fill in my mind-blanks.

October 2023: “What brings you here today, Megan?” my doctor asked earnestly, seated in front of me. I told her how my counselor had shared some information with me recently that I wanted to discuss. I noted how my counselor mentioned that she did not have the professional expertise to guide me in this, but that I might want to pursue it with my doctor.

I then explained that even though I originally dismissed my counselor’s insights, as I continued to think about her observations, I realized they might hold some truth. I then explained to my GP that I was coming to her today because I thought I might have ADHD.

My doctor’s whole demeanor shifted in that moment as she sat up straighter in her chair, and asked me what credentials my counselor has. “Is she a social worker?” she snapped, which threw me off immediately.

I told her I wasn’t sure, I would have to look it up, while silently kicking myself for not having this answer at my fingertips, but I assured my doctor that she was a trained professional who I had been seeing for a couple of years and trusted for as long.

I cringed when she started asking me all about my childhood and how I did in school. I was upset to have to tell her that I did really well in school, because I knew this wouldn’t fit the ADHD child stereotype, so I tried my best to stress to her that I was also quite anxious. I explained to her that this anxiety often motivated me to perform at any cost.

I mentioned being highly sensitive as another prominent symptom, and during our appointment a faint smell of chemicals was infiltrating the room. At one point she asked me, “Are you smelling this, or is it just me?” and of course I told her that I could smell it, too.

After asking me a few more questions, mostly about my childhood, my doctor then said she’d have me fill out an ADHD screener. As she looked in her drawer for one, she said she must be, “Out of the one that I actually prefer” and asked a nurse to get her the other one (which I assumed to be the less preferable one, whatever that meant). I completed this one-page screener, similar to some I’d seen online, in her office.

From my judgement of the scoring key at the bottom of the screener, it seemed I was self-assessing as mid, to mid-high possibility of ADHD.

After taking a look at the page of the less-preferred screener document herself, my doctor concluded that my results were inconclusive.

I was startled by her statement and becoming increasingly skeptical of this appointment going how I had planned.

She then gave me a physical exam. Since I mentioned how I can never wake up easily in the mornings and have always struggled with this, she decided to look down my throat and ask me about other characteristics of my sleep.

“A-ha! You have a very narrow passageway, so you’re probably not getting enough air while sleeping, which would explain being tired in the morning.”

My husband was recently diagnosed with sleep apnea, so I was familiar with this potential issue. However, when she asked me about snoring, waking while sleeping, etc. I told her that none of this happens to me like it does for my husband, but that didn’t seem to matter.

Suddenly she was putting down her stethoscope and moving back to her keyboard to log the conclusion of our appointment. Her recommendations by the end of the appointment were as follows:

1. Get a full overnight sleep study done to rule out sleep apnea and narcolepsy

2. Obtain a full neuropsychological evaluation (typically 2-3 appointments of 1-3.5 hours each) before she would consider an ADHD diagnosis

She referred me to the local hospital for the sleep study and a local psychologist’s office for the neuropsych testing. She then acknowledged that there are “often long waits” associated with these tests, but just let her know if “a few months go by and I haven’t heard anything.”

I left the office feeling like she was doubtful of my experiences.

I also felt discouraged because now I had several tasks and a few month-long waitlists ahead of me.

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Read this helpful article explaining how those with ADHD feel tasks differently than those without ADHD (and why leaving the office with multiple follow-up appointments made me feel a tad nauseous):

The Invisible Marathon: What Effort Actually Looks Like in an ADHD Brain

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I also left wondering if pursuing a diagnosis was even worth it, when all I had as proof were my own lived experiences – and maybe that was a stretch too far. Perhaps I should just exit this journey before the overwhelm and insecurity got worse.

Photo of a highway alongside a highway exit sign by Sreenivas on Unsplash

Thankfully, after a few days of depletion and self-doubt, I decided the pursuit was worth it and I wasn’t ready to exit. In fact, I was now not only interested in figuring this out, I was EXTREMELY invested in corroborating what I knew to be true. One might say that my interest-based brain was lighting up like mad with its new “figure out ADHD” quest.

My next few posts will focus on each stop in my journey along the road of pursuing a diagnosis. I’ll try to keep these posts brief to keep my writing momentum going, but also to capture the high points of the effort it took to travel this path as an adult woman.

Truly appreciate you taking the time to read this new post. Sending you courage as you navigate your own journeys, even if it is simply living through a time of so much unknown.