Only Time Will [really] Tell
my latest journey in real time
I knew some time had passed since my last entry, but I was genuinely surprised to discover it was over half a year ago! I think this comes as a surprise because I often daydream about my Only Time Will Tell newsletter, my subscribers, and my ideas for future posts. Yet, perhaps that’s why I became frozen and just couldn’t bring myself to press submit on a new one.
Part writer’s block, but part overwhelm at simply HOW to proceed once the shiny newness of my newsletter had worn off, I’ve begun to explore and understand this task paralysis in a new light. These revelations are why I am returning to you all now, and is the expanded direction I’ll be taking with OTWT.
I’m here to share my unfolding journey to an ADHD diagnosis.
I’m not here to convince you that you have ADHD, too: I’m not THAT kind of doctor 😉.
I’m not here for you to agree with my experiences — I’m slowly learning my own validation is enough fuel to drive me forward on this path.
I’m not here to abandon my love for time use studies and insights about the gendered division of household labor, either; at times, I’ll be here to add another layer to these discussions.
My main goal for writing here has always been to help women, and often mothers, feel seen, heard, and valued through my words.
Perhaps you will feel this way as you read about my experiences with ADHD. However, even if this exact topic doesn’t resonate with you, I wonder if the broader discussion of:
being dismissed by various health professionals,
mischaracterized because of your gender,
and empowered through self-advocacy and true collaboration with a healthcare team will resonate.
“ADHD- wait, isn’t that what young boys who can’t sit still have? So why are you writing about this?”
I would have agreed with you if you asked me this a year ago, and I would have been quite skeptical of reading about an early-40s woman’s experiences.
Yet, one of the most life-changing things I’ve learned over my last year of research is that Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder does not only pertain to hyperactivity in the sense that your body can’t sit still— but it can also manifest as a hyperactive mind that never seems to shut off.
Dr. Janina Maschke, the author of A Feminist’s Guide to ADHD: How Women Can Thrive and Find Focus in a World Built for Men and Lindsay Scola, a writer, producer, and social impact consultant who shares frequently about her own ADHD diagnosis were invaluable resources for me in learning about this facet of ADHD that often affects women. Additionally, I learned forgetfulness and memory struggles are common traits of adults with ADHD.
And although there are many nuances to explore here- how this is similar and may overlap with anxiety is a big one- for now I want to leave you with an illustration that represents this hyperactive, forgetful mind. It’s a peek inside my brain, and honestly, I’m still having a hard time grasping that not everyone thinks or operates this way.
What I’m realizing is that neurotypical brains may have moments like these, whereas a neurodivergent brain like mine will experience this with much greater frequency and duration (aka 95% of the day 😅).
So welcome to what I’ve begun to describe as my “bubble machine brain.”
I’m looking forward to sharing more of this journey with you all, although I’m holding my posting schedule and structure flexible for now. I’ve also considered how my writing might be more polished if I were to write about this journey to diagnosis in hindsight. However, I’ve decided to push past my perfectionistic tendencies in the hopes that the value of documenting it as it unfolds will outweigh the messiness.
Also, let’s be real, I’m terrified I’ll forget many of the moments that seem SO pivotal - and at times, rage-inducing - if I don’t write them down close to when they happened.
Thank you for taking the time to read along this journey with me, and I can’t wait to also share many of the additional resources — including Substackers! — who have helped me get to this place. If this resonates with you, please feel free to comment, share, or like my post! It helps my 🧠 stay interested in this pursuit 🤓.
Further Readings: